Galston, Ayrshire, Scotland: rathole of the known universe.

Galston ‘historic heart’ of Ayrshire: the truth is rather different.

Contents, for what its worth

'Information'

'Current Crime'

'Contact Information'

'Links to Somewhere Better'

'Health and Safety Warning'

'News'

‘Information’

Galston

Galston, East Ayrshire, Scotland

Population: retarded and declining

Industry: none

Unemployment: 100%

Prospects: nil and worsening

Places of ‘interest’ in Galston

Seedy Bars.

Piles of uncollected rubbish displayed in strategic locations.

Galston lavatory.

Chapel Lane Marshes: also known as ‘The Black Hole of Galston’.

Any road, track, path or waterway leading out of the festering place.

‘Cultural’ events in Galston

Daily: Street art, the traditional windblown litter spectacular and the charming dog turd mosaics.

Evenings and weekends: Male voice choir, raucous drunks.

Those responsible for this mess

East Ayrshire Council.

A fascinating collection of incompetence, arrogance and complete uselessness. A perfect example of Scottish Labour local government in action. Generates hot air and empty promises just like Tony Blair.

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‘Current Crime’

Excessive low-level disorder caused by free-ranging gangs of juvenile primates. Unsurprisingly, Strathclyde Police have better things to do than act as zookeepers. If it is not red hot or nailed down, some piece of scum will probably: eat it, urinate on it or wreck it anyway.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

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‘Contact Information’

Don’t bother.

Illiteracy is virtually 100% and the majority of the population communicates via a limited series of grunts and clicks. For those daft enough to be interested in this exceptionally primitive and silly form of communication reference should be made to Caprivi, (1885, 1894.) as cited in Thrumdrill. J. (1896) (ed.) Galstonites, Stupid Bastards of the Irvine Valley. London, Herring/University of Prague. Pgs. 169-472.

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‘Links to Somewhere Better’

Renton’s Site a world of hatred.

East Ayrshire Council always good for a laugh.

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‘Health and Safety Warning’

Avoid the place at all costs.

Dengue and Blackwater fever are rife, with several cases of rabies and bubonic plague amongst the young. Cannibalism and forms of ritual slaying are believed to occur in some of the most primitive and least explored regions of Galston, such as the Chapel Lane Marshes.

Tourists thinking of visiting Galston should seek immediate psychiatric treatment. Any fool still intent on travelling should be prepared to budget for: an armed escort of at least battalion strength, armour, artillery and air support. It is also highly recommended to make prior arrangements with H.M.S. Gannet, Prestwick should immediate helicopter evacuation become necessary.

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‘News’

Nothing of interest or relevance, as usual.

A proposal to build a nuclear power station on this dump, unfortunately, proved to be unfounded.

However, as part of The Irvine Valley Regeneration Project, any organisation interested in developing toxic waste storage facilities, incinerators, large-scale sewage treatment plants, opencast coalmines, oil refineries or any other form of development capable of causing catastrophic environmental damage; in or around Galston will be assured of a warm welcome.

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Last repaired: Date 8 March 2003